The more time I spend in public the more I realize certain people make me wish I could rip off my face, exchange it with Nicolas Cage’s, then lick things…and stab them.

• Gym preeners. This goes for both genders. Girls, you know who you are with your perfect fucking ponytails and false eyelashes. Stay on your elliptical and we won’t have an issue. But it’s the MEN that really chafe my ass. If you need to spend 20 minutes picking a zit or putting that one stray piece of hair back into your fauxhawk you better make damn sure it’s not directly in front of my form check.
• Mirror mavens. If a public restroom is the size of a low income RV and you’re not washing/urinating/defecating/vomiting you don’t need to be here. The next time I have to wait to rinse my hands because you’re applying stage makeup to the whore suck marks running down your décolletage I’m going to walk around and caress your mouth. And I think you know where my hands have been.
• EVERYONE WHO WALKS SLOWLY THROUGH A CROWDED AREA, WAITS UNTIL THEY’RE AT POINT ZERO OF A CONGESTION ZONE AND STOPS TO CHECK THEIR PHONE. There’s a special place in hell reserved for all of you.
• The “I don’t even like girls, I get along waaaay better with guys” girls. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? You’re the bitch all the other bitches who say the same fucking thing are talking about avoiding. And the funny part is most of you hang out together. Do you think saying this is going to sprout you a cock and make you one of the dudes? You do realize being one of the guys means you’re probably not going to be sucking crotch with any of them right? Get over yourself, when it’s all said and done there’s a night where you sit at home with a flock of women and paint your toes to the notebook…don’t even try to tell me it hasn’t happened.
• Indecisive orderers. If the line up to place is around the store, why…WHY…would you ever think it’s appropriate to wait until you get to the till to glance and the menu, humming and hawing about what you want. You’re damn lucky the rest of the people behind you haven’t had a chance to order their piping hot beverages or someone would be getting a third degree facial. This goes for any self serve counter too. I know exactly what I want. If you don’t, fine, but get between me and my costa rican rocket fuel to mull around and voice your displeasure that hazelnut fruit puff garbage juice doesn’t seem to be available and shit’s going to go down.
• Time liars. You people, are just downright offensive. I can appreciate the inability to read analog and predict precise time intervals but if you know you’re going to take a few hours, don’t say ten minutes. Just don’t. Eventually, I will track you down and quarter you. I don’t care if you’re prepping Ryan Reynolds naked in a turkish bath for my own private enjoyment, my time is far too valuable to spend waiting for you to be where you’re supposed to be. 

Thanks for listening, let’s all try to tone down the suck.

-PC 

Don’t throw that shit away ladies. 

Happy Valentines Day my lovelies!

I think it’s time we talk about feelings. My heart just rips apart into a billion little heart pieces to see so many unhappy on this delightful pretend holiday. Valentines day is about love, and not necessarily just the love between you and your sexy sexual sex partner. Do you remember when you were a kid, right before people started noticing looks and clothes and intellect…way back when everyone was on a level playing field? Valentines day was AWESOME. Everyone gave out cute cards, laden with puns and favored cartoon heroes. I recall being beyond excited to dive into that little hand crafted box taped to the back of my chair just to see what wonders it held. Back then valentines day was about showing the world that you were capable of generosity and able to spell your own name in crayon. What changed? NOTHING. Today is still about generosity, caring, and showing people that you can give a shit. It’s about showing your soul-mate(s) that they are the apple of your eye.  A soul-mate doesn’t have to be a romantic partner either, it’s anyone who gives you that blanketing comfort. It’s the person you share that special connection with, and lord knows there can be many in your lifetime. It may be a parent, a child, a friend, a pet, or even that guy in California who you happen to share everything in common with even though you’re a billion miles away …cough cough. Everyone has a somebody; even Hades had Persephone and the Grinch had his dog. The trick is to remember that you have these amazing people in your life, and not dwell on those you don’t. Valentines day is a day to spend time with your soul-mate, and if you can’t, to spend time thinking about them and letting them know that they’re on your mind.

I heart-shaped-emoticon you all!

-PC